We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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