It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
50% drunk capacity currently
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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