haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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