We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
