i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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