just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
