You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
