Define "chronic" masturbator.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
