I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just gargled with NyQuil
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
