when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
