so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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