i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
home. puking in laundry basket.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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