K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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