I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It's never too late to be topless.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
