Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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