You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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