i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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