goodnight i made you a song goodbye
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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