Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
