Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
