obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
