you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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