my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
