You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize