Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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