I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
