addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
