My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
