I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Randomize
