listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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