She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
