I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
