end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
barbara walters just said penis...
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
