Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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