It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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