She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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