Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
