you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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