On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
