Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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