But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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