It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize
