at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
