My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
