mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
