Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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