your thong is hanging out like whoa
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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