Your face is a jimmy john
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
