god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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