if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
