I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
